Letter 3

on saying no to myself

{omens}

The camellia bush¹ has begun to flower.
I noticed it the day before the Equinox.
An omen.
Perhaps.
Of newness blooming.
Even now.

*

On a day when I was on the edge.
With this Year of No.
Where I choose to honor my knowing.
Even when I wanted to prove that I was right.
Magical moments happened.
That I could have never forced².
Or predicted³.

{no}

A week or so ago, a wondering came through.
A reflection offered to me by another.
Of how I might have to say no to myself in this whole experience.
It was not something I had considered, but she was so very right.

I was focused on my no creating borders.
Boundaries.
A river bed carved out for me to flow through.
But I did not think about saying no to myself.

I don’t like to.
I like to say yes.
I like to grant myself permission rather than hold myself back.
And.
That is not a fair assessment of no.
Or of myself.
I can say no to over explaining.
I can say no to trying to prove my word.
My worth.
I can say no to pushing past limits in ways that do not serve my highest good.
I have been saying no to all of that.
And more.

It has not been easy.
Simple, perhaps.
But not easy.
I want to explain myself.
I want people to think well of me.
I want to be right.
I also want to allow myself to stay solid in my being.
I have to say no to some things so as to say yes to others.
Even when that all happens within myself.

{yes}

Yes to the most rooted and expansive part of myself.
Yes to breathing with what is.
Yes to reaching out.
Yes to deep breaths.
Yes to letting myself be loved.
Yes to doing what is not easy when it is what I am called to do.
Yes to staying with myself.
Yes to my creative vision.
Yes to my pleasure.

With vibrancy,

Jo Anna

1. The picture at the start is of the bush and the first few flowers.

2. Part of the magic was that I got a new car! I was just going to test drive. And because of some misunderstandings (and my willingness to say no to what I did not want), they made me a good offer on a car that was way nicer than I was expecting to get. The next footnote will show off a not great picture of me. But the car is looking good!

3.